Hunt for Mrs Sawada
by Fever-Sama
Summary: Reborn is tasked with finding the perfect partner for Tsuna to raise the next heir to the Vongola throne. But with problematic candidates, a dysfunctional Famiglia and caffeine shortages, even the hitman is finding it difficult...


**Hunt for Mrs Sawada**

**Reborn is tasked with finding the perfect partner for Tsuna to raise the next heir of the Vongola throne. But with problematic candidates, a dysfunctional Famiglia and caffeine shortages, even the hitman is finding it difficult…**

* * *

"What," Tsuna said flatly.

A week after he and Kyoko had gone on their latest date (a picnic in the woods after a river-side walk) Reborn suddenly popped out from behind his office's wallpaper, grabbed his hair and dragged him-very painfully-to their favourite meeting room, a traditional Japanese-styled lounge with fresh tatami mats and the lingering scent of orange blossom where the rest of his guardians were waiting.

The fifteen-but-not-really-fifteen fedora-wearing assassin threw him bodily across the room and he just avoided colliding with his temperamental Cloud guardian. The fruit bowl wasn't safe though and his suit soon had orange and grape stains all over. And it was just dry-cleaned, dammit.

"I'm sorry," He growled and massaged his scalp irritably, "But why can't I continue my relationship with Kyoko-chan again?"

His mentor thrust a bunch of papers into his face and sat his lanky teenaged buttocks on Tsuna's designated cushion. "Don't think I'm too happy about this either," Reborn said, "But the Ninth thinks it's time you found a suitable partner and produce the next heir for the Vongola. You're twenty-six now and in your prime, any longer and the number of possible suitors will decrease."

"What's wrong with Kyoko?" Said Ryohei gruffly, "She loves Tsuna and Tsuna loves her. Ain't that enough?"

"She is lacking in prestige, background, combat experience and she is far too kind-hearted become the wife of Vongola Decimo," Reborn answered without batting an eye. "A prime target for assassins."

"God Reborn," Tsuna moaned, "We're not a Mafia family any more. Stop being so paranoid."

"But we have not completely withdrawn ourselves from it either," said Reborn. "We are still bound to our roots and traditions and a large portion of our wealth are from past shady exploits. And don't think for single moment being the head of Vongola Security Co. is going to keep you away from scandals and sabotage. I taught you better than that."

"Guys," Tsuna whined to his friends, "A little help convincing Reborn please?"

"I'm sorry Juudaime!" Gokudera bellowed and bowed low, "But I must agree with Reborn-san on this one. The woman will only drag us back as a political liability and all our rivals will target her the second they get the chance."

"I dunno Hayato," Yamamoto said cheerfully, "She's got her nursing degree and she can look after herself okay. She's a grown woman now."

"I extremely agree with baseball-head," Ryohei said loudly. "Kyoko is tougher than she looks!"

"She makes cookies for me," said Lambo. He then promptly fell asleep.

"Sasagawa Kyoko is weak," said Hibari. "She will not survive the cruel links of the food chain." Translation, 'If she can't survive ten minutes by herself in a fight she'll get killed within a year of marriage. Tops.'

Mukuro chuckled. "You cannot possibly taint such an innocent flower such as Kyoko-chan with the poisons of the Mafia, Tsunayoshi-kun. She will go mad. But she'll make a good concubine," he added thoughtfully and Tsuna's face turned green.

"No, Mukuro. Just no." Tsuna shuddered and looked at his female guardian hesitantly. "What about you, Chrome?"

The doe-eyed girl clutched her handbag and shrugged. Tsuna sighed.

"Since Lambo's opinion amounts to nothing and Chrome doesn't want to give her opinion on the matter, we are left with a draw. So I propose that we do this the traditional Vongola way." Reborn's young, roguish face cracked a smile. "We hold interviews and pick one out of all our candidates.

"The eligible bachelorettes will submit a form with their name, a picture of themselves, age, occupation, health, personality profiles and why they think they're a good match for Tsuna. Then we-the nine of us will ask questions one at a time and select ten that we like; those ten will then show us their achievements and talents in a contest; they must be intelligent, hard-working, physically able, social, good with relationships and attractive. The final three will stay with you lot and the Ninth for two days and a night before the final decision is made. One question only, go."

"When's lunch?" Asked Lambo before Tsuna could say anything. The brunet's head collided with the table with a loud 'clunk!'

"That's how Primo and his guardians did it along with every other generation, "continued Reborn as if Lambo had never spoken. "Of course, if you happen to find someone that you fancy yourself-" dodge a charge from an angry Lightning for being ignored and kick him out the window- "then feel free to speak up. It'll save us the hassle of doing another interview."

"No thank you," the guardians answered quickly and Reborn took it as his cue to leave while his dame-student's brain hadn't fully rewired yet. On went his signature fedora as he waltzed outside the Vongola property and into Sicily's busy streets. He wove his way around easily-stopping occasionally to flirt with the ladies- before stopping off at the Chiaverone estate. He needed Dino's contacts for this one along with his massive printer.

Within a week two hundred-and-counting single women had sent in their applications, much to Gokudera's chagrin. In the end Tsuna couldn't get himself out of the mess, so he could only apologise to Kyoko (thank the heavens she understood and forgave him quickly) and ask his loyal, compassionate, hard-working, intelligent, sensible Storm to review the applicants while he dealt with his already-massive amounts of paperwork. (As you can guess, it didn't take very much to convince him.)

But after seven hundred women even Gokudera- stubborn, unyielding, ever-enthusiastic Gokudera grew tired of the obviously desperate and sexually frustrated women throwing themselves at them, especially when some literally threw themselves up-and-over Vongola walls and had to be forcefully escorted out. But Reborn said to keep every applicant in the running-he wanted this to be a fair contest.

Tsuna felt like he was in a dating game show, only instead of romantics and housewives he had Mafia princesses and high-profile businesswomen, each capable of threatening and suing the others (maybe even murdering) the others out of the competition. He was sure Reborn will video-tape this and have it made into an actual TV series. He just knew it. His intuition was screaming like the house was on fire.

But nevertheless they waited another month for the deadline and the grand total of people asking for Tsuna's hand in marriage was four thousand, four hundred and forty-four. 4444.

Tsuna didn't find the number reassuring.

* * *

With some help, Gokudera managed to sort the applicants into age-group piles and Shoichi formed a database to compare them all in a digital and infinitely more manageable format while he crammed fifty-something homocidal men and women into a sturdy bulletproof meeting room. "Over forty per cent are in their early twenties, with twenty per cent in the late twenties." Gokudera had put his glasses on and pointed at a pie chart while the Vongola and their friends observed grumpily. "Of course, as Juudaime is a very influential and powerful man, many of the women are also high-class citizens with seventy-seven per cent making around three hundred thousand per year, though that didn't stop any of the remaining women; a good number of them are single mothers or self-employed."

"Do you have a personal preference, Gokudera?" Reborn asked in the middle of squeezing Skull into a painful headlock.

"I do not," the bomber replied, "But I strongly suggest Juudaime to choose someone who is either an ally or very high up in Law enforcement. Anything else would be troublesome to deal with, especially during the merging period when the Vongola Mafia Branch is integrating with public affairs."

"I'll think about it," Tsuna replied neutrally and looked back up at the screen. There were all kinds of women displayed-as Gokudera had said indeed most were in their twenties, but there were still thirty and forty year olds; heck, a few fifty-year-olds and even a sixty-four year-old grandmother sneaking in.

There was also a wide range of occupations. Models, fashion entrepreneurs, authors, lawyers, journalists, actresses, politicians, bankers, you name it. Some were heiresses of companies who did little work and some were secretaries who worked over-time seven days a week to keep their families fed. Some spend their days in Switzerland making intricate and expensive watches for a living while some sold these watches.

"Get rid of those that are ugly," said Reborn suddenly. "We don't want any genes that might tarnish the looks of Primo's descendants." Shoichi stared and raised an eyebrow, but nonetheless ran some complicated facial recognition software and began to filter out the least attractive ones.

"I thought you said you wanted to give them all a fair chance?"

"I changed my mind. Also get rid of the civilians and single mothers, they'll raise far too many questions."

"And filter out the over-forties please," said Tsuna weakly. "I don't really find people twice my age appealing." Shoichi did so, and they still had just fewer than three thousand.

"Like five hundred of 'em are dudes," Ken pointed out. "Ain't this for finding Sawada someone who can make babies with 'im?"

"We can't just dismiss them," Reborn insisted. "Some might be willing to change sex."

"Can we stop talking about this please?" Tsuna moaned. "I feel violated."

Reborn rolled his eyes and smacked him. "You're a man, Dame-Tsuna. A _mafia _man in the twenty-first century. You need to be open to all kinds of possible relationships, heterosexual or no."

Tsuna _really _didn't like the look Mukuro was giving him.

"Do they have IQ scores on there?" Spanner said. "I'd like our females to be somewhat clever."

"We do. How does eighty sound?"

"Too low. Hundred and twenty-five."

"A woman of average intelligence is acceptable," said Chikusa. "I believe one hundred will do."

"Happy medium it is. We've still two thousand, four hundred and three left though."

"Can we leave some of the men out at least?" Yamamoto said, "I think it's disturbing I-pin and Chrome …"

Indeed the two (plus the more innocent people present) looked rather pale. Reborn sighed. "Only include men that are within a five-year age range of Tsuna and make sure they're in peak physical condition. We can't have Family who are afraid of each other." He hoped they weren't homophobic; some of their men were in same-sex relationships. They were few and far in between, but there nonetheless. "And make sure the women are in a six-year age range and also peak physical condition."

"That's right!" Ryohei roared, "If they aren't extremely fit they can never top Kyoko!"

"Pipe down, boxer asshole!" Squalo's yell cut through Ryohei's own. "If ya don't have anything useful to say keep your fucking mouth shut!"

"Same goes for you," Gokudera snarled and drew a stick of dynamite, "One more word out of you and I'll make you into shark fin soup!"

"Try it, pussy-boy!"

"_Extreme shouting match!"_

"Ha-ha! This sounds fun, I think I'll let loose my own vocal chords!"

It all went downhill from there. Squalo took out his sword, Gokudera had dynamite lit, Ryohei got into a battle stance, Yamamoto took this as a challenge and drew his sword too, Lal just about had enough and drew her gun, Hibari was tired of the loud herbivores crowding, Mukuro, Byakuran and Belphegor found this all amusing and joined for the hell of it, Dino tried to calm Hibari down but without his subordinates he tripped and spilt Xanxus' drink (the Wrath flame user had drawn his guns too), Suzuki was not pleased with the undisciplined behaviour and Levi wanted to avenge his Boss' tequila.

(As a side note, Reborn and Mammon were running a betting pool with the other Mafioso and were too busy calculating their shares.)

And just when Tsuna thought it couldn't get any worse, Lambo of the past got into a scrape and used the Ten-Year-Bazooka and screamed so loudly the occupants of the room took this as a signal to activate their boxes and start fighting. So Tsuna grabbed Lambo's child form, fled outside with Enma, Basil, Shoichi and Chrome (The only four people he could call somewhat normal) and watched the top half of the Vongola mansion crumble like a sandcastle at high tide while the lower half exploded into every shade of the visible spectrum.

He was going to have to deduct a few zeroes from their salaries later.

* * *

"Good after noon," said Reborn politely. "Do have a seat."

The entrant was a mousy looking female of average height, with brown hair cut into a fringed bob with two flowery clips and a small nose and hands. She was dressed quite fashionably in a frilly light-pink summer dress with a cashmere cardigan and pumps. "Your name please?"

"Michiru Miyazaki," She glanced at her audience, seven curious guardians and one resigned Sawada.

_Kill me now,_ Tsuna thought, but nevertheless gave her a warm smile and Michiru turned red. "I apologise for bringing you here all the way from-" Pause and look over her bio, "Osaka for this."

"Oh, it's no trouble at all," she replied. "My granny lives just outside Namimori."

"Just to check over everything Miyazaki-san," said Reborn, "You were born on the twenty-third of April to Hitohiro and Yumiko Miyazaki of CellSystem Incorporated with blood-type B, and is an employee at CellSystem?"

"Yes."

"You weigh fifty-five kilograms and currently stand at a hundred-and-sixty-one centimetres?"

"That's correct."

"You have a Master's Degree in programming from Tokyo University and were also part of the school lacrosse team and made it to Japan's semi-finals?"

"Yes."

"So you have passed the minimum requirements," he said pleasantly. "You are obviously an intelligent and ambitious lady, but would you mind telling us why you are here today?" Michiru's blush came back on full force and nibbled her fingers.

"W-well," she spluttered and wringed her fingers tightly, "S-Sawada-san is very famous for his kind and compassionate personality. He donates a lot of his money to charities I support. And he l-likes small children and is a successful businessman, and he's v-very h-handsome," she gulped back half of her cup of water in one swoop. "A r-relationship with him would be a dream."

"Fantastic, now why should we consider _you _for Mrs Sawada?"

Michiru poured herself another cup and held it in her lap. "I-I'm good with numbers and dates. Um, I can cook things like stir-fry and rice, and I like to k-keep things neat." She swallowed. "I'm a g-gentle person, a-and I know English."

"We're going to ask some slightly more personal questions now," said Reborn. "Do you have any hobbies?"

"I, um, like reading and playing games. I like to play MarioKart over wi-fi."

He nodded. "What other things do you like?"

"I like calling or texting m-my friends, and I like pop music a lot."

"I see. Do you have any allergies and health issues?"

"Y-yes. I have asthma. A-and I'm allergic to cat and dog fur."

"What about phobias, or things you generally dislike?"

"Insects scare me," Michiru admitted. "Creepy-crawlies all do, really…"

"That's understandable," reassured Reborn. "Most women are wary of things like snakes and spiders. What about blood?"

Michiru visibly flinched.

"…I see," said Reborn regrettably. "I'm out of questions for now, but I'm sure Tsuna and his friends all have something to ask. Let's start from the right, one question each and remember to introduce yourselves first."

"My name is Lambo Bovino," the lazy teen drawled, "Do you like sweets?"

"Um, yes," said Michiru with a confused expression, obviously expecting a more serious question. "I like-um, d-did he just fall asleep?"

"He did," Reborn grumbled. "Don't worry, I'll get him for this later. Next."

"I am Mukuro Rokudo," said the illusionist with a sinister grin. "My question is, if you cannot gain Tsunayoshi-kun's affection, will you give up or will you consider sleeping with him outside of marriage?"

This immediately caused an uproar.

"Dammit you sick pineapple, look what you've done to the Tenth! He's practically green!"

"Oi Miyazaki-san, are you okay? Onii-san, she's red enough for her blood vessels to burst!"

"That is against the rules, perverted herbivore. Prepare to be bitten to death."

"Lambo-san wants his sleep…"

"Shut up, you stupid cow!"

"I'll extremely get some ice packs to cool her down!"

"Oh no, I think she's fainted!"

_Poof!_

"Uwaaaaah! Gokudera-shi's being mean to me!"

"Oh god she's got a nosebleed! Turf-top, where the fuck are those ice packs!"

"Is that Lambo from ten years ago? Was it the bazooka?"

"I will bite you to death for disturbing the peace."

"I-I can get some tissues…"

"Kufufufu…."

"She extremely needs rest! I'll carry her to the medical wing!"

In the middle of all the chaos Tsuna nursed his water and sighed. "Why do things always end like this when you're involved, Reborn?"

"She was not suitable to be your wife anyway," the hitman countered. "She has confidence issues, asthma, she is allergic to animal fur-and thus to Gokudera and Yamamoto's box animals-, she wouldn't be able to handle herself in a fight and she's afraid of blood," He tutted. "And those are just the most obvious problems. Either way we're lucky the first one's so passive or we could be in a war with any number of enemy Families."

"I told you this was a bad idea," Tsuna groaned and felt a migraine coming. "Can't you just let me date Kyoko-chan already?"

"No."

_**Next Time on Hunt for Mrs Sawada-**_

_**Hibird goes missing and the prime suspect is Gokudera (or Uri, rather).**_

_**Bad weather sinks a ship carrying months' worth of coffee and tea to Italy.**_

_**Someone hacks Mammon's Swiss bank account and she is not amused.**_

* * *

**You can send in your own original characters with the name, age, background, appearance and personality through your reviews, and maybe s/he could be chosen by Reborn to come in for a turn in the spotlight! But not only your own characters; any character in-universe within Reborn's requirements are accepted! **

**However, please note that no character will marry Tsuna, not even Kyoko. Those two haven't gotten further than picnicking and blushing, and the ****main point of this story is why (insert character) **_**shouldn't **_**marry Tsuna for comedy purposes**** while his over-protective family's antics complicate everything and hilarity ensues.**

**So basically, the makings of a reality TV show.**

**Again, send in your reviews and favourite it. Tell me if it's good, bad, what can be improved and how! I'm waiting for your ideas and opinions!**


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